Along the way I truly lost myself.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't do or sacrifice to save my sons.

My recovery from my sons addiction has been a long painstaking battle. I was the queen of enablers. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do or sacrifice to save my sons. Along the way I truly lost myself. When I was at my absolute lowest I was sitting in the Dr office sobbing and asking for anti depressants... I actually told him I didn't know what was wrong with me.. I blamed hormones and my thyroid. And yes they were contributing factors but somewhere deep inside I knew the truth. I was living with two sons who were actively using heroin,whose choices were controlling my life. Every day was chaos and drama and lies and screaming matches and tears. Every day required me to count my money, check my bank account, hide my jewelry (what little I had left) Every day required a lie to pretend that I didn't see what was right in front of my face... Denial was my closest companion. To admit to it meant I had to deal with it.. Scary,overwhelming,and painful. Therapy and cold harsh truth saved me. I finally stopped living the lie, I actually started taking the necessary steps to reclaim my life. I had always said..it is because I love them.But change for all of us is work, and I was exhausted and lazy. What I have discovered on this journey is that your life is filled with exactly what you allow. And while I was enabling I was allowing all the behaviors that were destroying my life.. I also have learned that changing me doesn't mean I have changed how much I love my sons. Nothing can do that. What I have also come to realize is I have gotten lazy again and used some of my same old behaviors in dealing with the other relationships in my life. Allowing the unacceptable,complaining about stuff that I have been to tired or too afraid or too damn lazy to deal with Sliding along, not making waves, doing what is easy, but not always what is best. Not standing in my truth. So now I go back to work,just like our addicts have to do when they relapse. The difference..this time I know what steps to take.This time I know what tools I need. This time I know beyond a doubt I have the strength and the support to do it.This time I know that because I love someone isn't an excuse for accepting inexcusable behavior.. Now is the time for me to fix not just part of my life,but all of my life..And being a part of this incredible group of strong,loving, courageous women makes it so much easier. So if you are like me and you have honestly only fixed part of your life,join me.Work on fixing the rest.Let truth be your power.Start living the life you were meant to live.. Because together we can accomplish great things Sending love and hope and happiness to all of you, Pam

“I also have learned that changing me doesn't mean I have changed how much I love my sons. Nothing can do that.”