"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change..''

I began to accept that I was powerless over someone else's addiction.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" I can not begin to count how many times in the last years I have repeated this to myself. When I first started to honestly deal with my children's addiction and my descent in to the hell I had allowed it to create in my life,I heard the words but wasn't really listening. I wasn't going to accept my sons addiction. I was going to save them. I was their mother and damn it, it was my job. So I fought,I cried, I begged,I pleaded, I got angry. Until I was emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally and financially exhausted. And nothing had changed. So, against everything that I thought being a mother was about, Against everything my exhausted heart told me, I began to accept that I was powerless over someone else's addiction. I even though I loved them with my every breathe I could not change my sons. I accepted that it was something that they had to do for themselves.

Once that took hold, I began to seriously think about what I could change. The obvious answer, though I didn't see it at the time was me. The only person that I had control over was looking back at me from the mirror.I just like my sons woke up every morning and could choose how I was going to spend my day.I could choose the attitude that I faced the world with.I could choose what I gave my time and energy to. I could of course spend every waking hour thinking about my sons,living in fear,obsessing over their choices.I could live in the world of guilt,shame,stigma,and pain.I had been doing that for years.And although I claimed to hateit,it actually had become comfortable.It required no effort on my part.Chaos had some how become my safe place.I like them had given my life over to addiction.So as difficult as it was,I had to make the decision every day to work on changing me.I had to force myself to change the way I thought.I had to force myself to focus on something other than my sons.I had to fight the fear.It was a battle each and every day.It still,some days is.

Somewhere along the way,I began to live the last part of this prayer. I began to honestly have the wisdom to know the difference. The wisdom to know that I even though I loved my sons beyond measure I could not change their journey.The wisdom to know that loving them did not mean sacrificing my happiness for them.The wisdom to know that living my life in peace,acceptance and hope wasn't a betrayal of them.The wisdom to know that fear and chaos served no purpose except to paralyze me.Because,here is the thing..no amount of fear is going to change the course of events.Whether you live in fear or acceptance, life is going to happen. Fear is only the thief that steals all the meaning, all the gratitude,all the hope from your heart.

So as I move through my life, I now make it a priority to not only say this prayer but to actually live it. If you are just beginning the journey to your recovery, I encourage you to say this prayer over and over and over. You may, like me, not really hear the words in the beginning. Eventually it will start to resonate. Eventually, with enough repetition the words will take on a new meaning in your life.

If you have been working on your recovery for awhile I still encourage you to say this at least once a day. It is a reminder of how we must live our lives, not only for ourselves but for all who love and depend on us. I am sending every mom on this site, serenity, acceptance, courage,wisdom and as always love....Pam

“I began to seriously think about what I could change. The obvious answer, though I didn't see it at the time was me.I began to seriously think about what I could change. The obvious answer, though I didn't see it at the time was me.”